College is a Gas Station

One vital lesson I learned in college is that college itself is not the be all end all. 

This and if you work smart, do your best, then you going to be okay are two things I would say to my high school self.

The fact that college is not the endgame startled me. As a high schooler my one goal in life was to get into college. Once I achieved that, I was lost. 

The next goal seemed obvious - graduate! But then what? And most pressingly what do I major in?

I consider it both a blessing and a curse that my school allows its students two years to explore before declaring a major. I spent those two years exploring a wide range of interests everything from Classics to Chemistry, English to Engineering, Physics to Philosophy. I am so grateful for that extended grace period, but my interests were so broad and my so fickle that I could not pin anything down. 

In fact, I could not and did not declare anything until junior year. Each time I tried to pin down what my major, I froze. 

My next advice to my junior self (in fact earlier if possible) would be to just dive in. Pick something and dive in. Swim as deep as possible, discover everything possible can about the major, try to become one with major. If that is not possible, swim back up and try again. Pick a different pool, a different ocean and dive!

All this time I have been treading water in different seas and oceans, never diving too deeply because I’m afraid that I will be sucked into a riptide, an endless void. A riptide to what I don’t know and that’s what was so scary.

But that’s what college is about - diving into a subject and absorbing it. College is about learning and gaining experience that can be used to enrich life in countless ways — exploring hobbies that can become crafts, picking up skills that builds a career, forming relationships that will evolve in different directions.

My junior self wanted to dive. Truly wanted to dive. Needed to dive. But there was one more mental block - what if it’s all a bust?

“Failures should be embraced” or something like that. Failures are challenges that build strengths and stuff. Failures are guarantees on the path to success.

Failures are terrifying.

I can’t afford to fail.

I’ve already procrastinated declaring my major, I cannot afford to pick a major and decide it won’t work. Failure is not an option!

But it can happen.

And the worst part is, by trying so hard to avoid failure, I’m setting myself up for failure, disappointment, and heartbreak.

It is depressing. It is a downward spiral. It feels endless.

But college is not the be all end all. It is a major chapter of my life ... but it’s not the only chapter. When I graduate with a degree in Computer Science, I do not have to define myself as a programmer, a software developer, or even a computer scientist. I can go on to become a lawyer, an artist, a doctor, a barista. The stories that comfort me are the stories where people don’t stay in one field, one major for all of their lives. I’m comforted by the dropouts who decided to follow their own paths, I’m comforted by the wandering student who goes on to med school or the physicist who decided to study French literature, I’m comforted by the passions of those who know where they are going and the uncertainties of those who do not, but will give anything and everything a try.

Knowing that what defines me today in college does not define me tomorrow is a comfort and gives me the courage to dive in murky water. I will dive into my chosen major knowing that after college I can switch waters. If I switch waters, I will dive. I have learned from college that treading water will only show me so much. It may support me, but it will not sustain me. To really dig into something, to discover a subject’s tricks and pearls, I have to be willing to dive into the darker water, to be drag by the riptide into the unknown, to persevere when the water turns murky. I have to accept that I will fail but I will keep swimming anyway.

Today, I say I am a dreamer, a writer, an aspiring designer, a computer scientist. 

When I graduate, I will say I am a dreamer, a writer, a designer, a computer scientist, and an aspiring adult looking for a job.

In a year, that will change. And that’s part of life. Life is a journey and college is not the destination!